dancing with myself.

I've been learning how to be alone, and feel confident in that. Its an interesting experience to take the activities you normally do in public (or private) with another person, and do them alone. I've been taking myself on dates. I've been romancing myself. I've been sitting alone in restaurants, and showing up alone at parties/shows.

It has been a most magnificent adventure. I am learning all sorts of things about myself and how I act when people are watching but no one is interacting with me. There is this bizarre need for me to look loverly and be sweet, even in my lonesome, for the purpose of pleasing myself. I spend just as much time prepping for a date with myself, as I do prepping to go out with a romantic friend/lover. Actually, I spend more time getting ready to date myself. The most liberating thing I do on these dates is not finish dessert all by myself, or dance with the air at shows, or get lost in crowds, but buying myself flowers. Buying myself sunflowers provides this quiet joy, that seeps from my every pore. I become as bright as their yellows, as confident as their tall stalks. The world slows down. The world seems less ugly, less hateful, and more majestic than ever before. Peace creeps up on me.

I am by no means an island, but I am learning that love is something I can find internally. I haven't quite figured out how to make out with myself yet, so I will still need people for a while. No, but sincerely, people are fantastic. I just want to figure out how to rely on myself more.

If I figure out how to sustain my people solitude, I'll be sure to tell you. So far I can spend about three days with myself before needing to hang out with an actual person. These three days are generally very swell though, and I have usually bonded a lot with inanimate objects during them.

In other news, I am getting a zine together. I have some many things I've written gathering electronic dust on my computer, things I am proud of, scared of, happy with. So many of my truths that are doing no good in their solitudes. But in all my years of DIY artistry, I have never made a zine. I have never compiled m writing. I have never even stapled together or photocopied a zine. Its a giant punk shame for me. I'm nervous! What if I don't know how to do it? What if my zine doesn't look like other zines? What if the more experienced zines make fun of my zine, and my zine comes home crying?

My poor zine-to-be. Growing up is so hard.