ramble ramble whine whine.

the sun is shining in seattle.

queers are coming out of hiding.

i am entertaining gentlemen, and refusing to sleep with anyone who doesn't light my cigarettes and instead hands me a lighter (rude).

i've been incredibly lazy as of recently, like I am trapt in a giant funk of sleepy eyes and exhausted limbs. this makes me very dissappointed in myself. which makes me sleep more, and do less, because I am not happy with who I am currently being.

Cycles are intense my friends.

I'm moving into the city and out of my parents home this August. Hopefully. I think this will be incredibly good for me. I'm terrifed of failing though. I was explaining this to my friend who says that i have "sometimes blue eyes" the other day while they taught me how to throw a frissbee. That I don't do or try at a lot of things because I don't want to be bad at them. Somewhere I got the impression if you never put an effort in you cou

ldn't fail.

As they said, this is a truely terrible idea to have.

I'm just not okay with personal failures. Even logical bit of me knows failing is okay and good and natural, but logic doesn't win most of the time, and reasonable thoughts are over powered by irrational fear.

I never used to believe in having shame, but the feeling has come into my life recently and I can't seem to shake it.

I am so fucking ashamed of myself for not being more of a person. For not being a better person. For not getting out of bed sometimes, and for forgetting to make art, for never showing up when I'm supposed to, for sleeping with those people, for that time I was drunk and did that thing, for every mistake and blunder.

I have shame.

I have shame because society has finally succedded on placing there ideas into my head and not allowing my to shake them.

Or maybe because the sitmulant I've been on for over two years is giving me intense anixety, and its combining with the pressures to grow up and make something of myself in this awkward way that instead of inspiring action I am left dwelling on all of it.

Fuck it.

I'm going to cut off my hair and throw away my shame.

I want to go back to owning everything I am, and stop listening to the little guilty voices in my head.

I can't carry this weight anymore.

Summer.

Summer is here and I am going to sunbath naked.

I am going to read and write and make things.

Starting with posters to get me out of bed that say

"Make your bed" and "brush your teeth" and other things that are simple and take care of me and I forget to do because I guess sometimes I forget to value myself.

I'm awesome.

I AM AWESOME AND I AM GOING TO REMEMBER THIS.

<3

xoxoxoxoxo

the asexual tendencies of this sexual queer.

[ me and my ex, when i was like, 16 ]

Its been a while, folks. I have no excuses. Let's just jump in with a confession.

Its no secret that I have had a fair amount of sex. More than most kids my age. More than most people expect. I've been with a good handful (underestimating) of people, and done quite a few risque things. I'm a tramp. A very proud, and very sweet, tramp. If you know me, or know of me, you have probably caught wind of some of this.

And its true. I've been around the block.

But I'm not a very sexual person, I just have had a lot of sex.

Confused?

ME TOO.

Let me start by saying sex wasn't always about sex for me. For a long time, longer then I am willing to admit, sex was about power. Sex was about reclaiming my body. Sex was about feeling wanted, desired, and lusted after. Sex was about being in control. Sex was about proving to myself that I could still connect to people, proving I wasn't a victim. Sex was about winning people over. Sex was how I made friends.

In retrospect, it is all very silly, and a little shameful. It was unhealthy, but it was what I needed at the time to cope- or avoid coping. These are what I like to call my skanky days. Pre-slut retirement.

Then I figured out how completely fucked up that was, and processed my trauma.

Now sex is sex. Sex is fun, and dirty, and silly, and sexy. At least, good sex is. Sex is consensual! Because i understand consent and am at a point in my life were i can give and deny consent. Which is a fantastic point to be at. I like sex. I like sex and am no longer trying to reclaim anything through sex. I just have sex because I enjoy it, and if I'm not enjoying it, I don't have it. THis works well for me.

But, I still have all these asexual tendencies. Or at least this is what I call them, I'm not sure if there is a better term for it, and I am concerned that this language might be offensive. I hope it isn't. Please inform me if you feel otherwise.

ANYWAY.

I have this inability to approach people or see peop

le in a sexual way. Until they are clearly trying to jump my bones. I never think "oh, i want to fuck that person" when someone catches my interest, its more of an "oh gee, i really would like to be that persons friend and maybe do their dishes and hold their hand!". I have no hidden intentions. If I ask someone over to watch a movie, its because I want to watch a movie with them. If I peck them on the cheek, its because they did something that made me want to peck them on the cheek, not because I secretly want to take them home with me. If I'm dirty dancing with them, its because I want to dirty dance with them, not because I am warming them up for later activities.

Nothing I do is about sex, except for having sex.

This is awkward.

People think I'm flirting sometimes. I am mostly oblivious to this. I wouldn't know how to hit on someone if I wanted too. I also am never aware of when someone is hitting on me until someone else points it out, or we are making out in the dark corner of a party. I'm nice.

I was once told people shouldn't be nice to people unless they want to sleep with them, as it sends the wrong message.

Um, what?

Also, I have this conversation a lot:

Friend: Was anyone hot there?

Me: I don't know?

Friend: How do you not know?

Me: I guess I just don't look at people that way.

I am nice to everyone. I am nice because its how I feel like I'm supposed to be. Its how I am comfortable being. I am a fucking sweetheart.

Does this send the wrong message?

I make eye contact in conversations. I touch elbows. I give long loving hugs. I laugh at peoples jokes and smile a lot.

Does this make people think I am making sexual advances?!

AHHH.

I just want to sun bath and play board games. We can make out if you want to, but mostly I just want to spend time with you. Unless I really really like you and we have amazing sexual chemistry, in which case I may want to do it everywhere all the time.

Is that weird?

This isn't a constant thing. Sometimes I get incredibly sexually frustrated and just want to fuck everyone. Sometimes I get drunk, and I want sex like nothing else ever even mattered. But for the majority of the time, sex doesn't even cross my mind. Unless you're talking about it, because I will talk about it for hours and hours and hours.

And hours.

So yes. I am coming out as a super queer kid with asexual tendencies. I hope you all still like me!

xoxoxoxo.