royal weddings, and other things

I don't watch the news, but some current events make themselves impossible to avoid entirely. These are mostly the events I would never give a shit about. Things that are "monumental to history", that is to the rick white man's history. Yeah.

So I guess there are some royal people getting married.

And apparently this is the BIGGEST DEAL EVER.

You thought the war was important?

Gas prices?

The state of the government?

Debt?

Healthcare?

Civil Rights?

Education?

Hah.

All those things together aren't nearly as important to the united states as this upcoming royal wedding. The nation is obsessed with the upcoming ceremony in which this man and woman will make a formal commitment on paper and to god, that the country will then recognize and confirm that they have an actual relationship.

The news has decided that I need to see every single detail of every miniscule thing involved in this wedding of the century.

Blow me.

Its enough to make me hate weddings.

Okay, maybe I hate the majority of weddings already, as well as the idea of weddings, but still- somethings are just too pretty for me to hate. And this royal wedding is threatening to take the little love I have for wedding ceremonies away.

This is just a little rant.

I'm having trouble trying to think of things to say that aren't utterly gross and depressing, because I'm being moody and homesick in Chicago for the week.

Its actually rather windy here. It looks like gothum city.

april april april.

Spring fever, anyone?

I've spent a ton of money on flowers this last month. Money on flowers and fresh fruit. I have been sunbathing in parks. I have been wearing ray-bans and flirty dresses. Apparently, there is a smile in my eyes. I guess no one told my eyes I was sad, or lonely, or anything. The only message that got to my eyes was spring, was sun, was sparkles.

Life has throw things at me that are beyond my comprehension. Its all out of my control. These are times when all you can do is pray, but I don't believe in God these days. I haven't for a long time. I haven't ever thought I needed to turn to a deity to change my life. I don't rely on stars, I find my strength on the inside. Or, well, in general this is something I have a hold on.

Life is strange. Everything can be turned on its head at any moment and the things you thought you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt- were never true.

I am going to start filling every inch of every wall of every building in every city with my truths.

I'm in this writing group, of queers, of varying ages. We get together every two weeks and I bring at least two things: flowers and food. If I have learned anything, its that I value the beauty in small things and feeding people. It makes me feel all sorts of things. It makes me wonder and need and other things I haven't always been comfortable and cozy with.

Being vulnerable takes practice. Growing from vulnerability takes patients.

If only I could sit with uncomfortably without feeling the need to flee.

Which brings me back to spring.

Spring crawls in my bones and reminds me this soil sometimes produces things. That all gifts are precious, its important to slow down and speed up, and change change change. There are places left un-explored. There are secret spaces inside of me that need air, that need to breathe. I need road beneath my feet.

I'm learning how to stay though. I just wish people in my life would return the favor.

Blah blah blah.

I probably just need to get laid, and start taking my anti-depressants again. Who knows.

dancing with myself.

I've been learning how to be alone, and feel confident in that. Its an interesting experience to take the activities you normally do in public (or private) with another person, and do them alone. I've been taking myself on dates. I've been romancing myself. I've been sitting alone in restaurants, and showing up alone at parties/shows.

It has been a most magnificent adventure. I am learning all sorts of things about myself and how I act when people are watching but no one is interacting with me. There is this bizarre need for me to look loverly and be sweet, even in my lonesome, for the purpose of pleasing myself. I spend just as much time prepping for a date with myself, as I do prepping to go out with a romantic friend/lover. Actually, I spend more time getting ready to date myself. The most liberating thing I do on these dates is not finish dessert all by myself, or dance with the air at shows, or get lost in crowds, but buying myself flowers. Buying myself sunflowers provides this quiet joy, that seeps from my every pore. I become as bright as their yellows, as confident as their tall stalks. The world slows down. The world seems less ugly, less hateful, and more majestic than ever before. Peace creeps up on me.

I am by no means an island, but I am learning that love is something I can find internally. I haven't quite figured out how to make out with myself yet, so I will still need people for a while. No, but sincerely, people are fantastic. I just want to figure out how to rely on myself more.

If I figure out how to sustain my people solitude, I'll be sure to tell you. So far I can spend about three days with myself before needing to hang out with an actual person. These three days are generally very swell though, and I have usually bonded a lot with inanimate objects during them.

In other news, I am getting a zine together. I have some many things I've written gathering electronic dust on my computer, things I am proud of, scared of, happy with. So many of my truths that are doing no good in their solitudes. But in all my years of DIY artistry, I have never made a zine. I have never compiled m writing. I have never even stapled together or photocopied a zine. Its a giant punk shame for me. I'm nervous! What if I don't know how to do it? What if my zine doesn't look like other zines? What if the more experienced zines make fun of my zine, and my zine comes home crying?

My poor zine-to-be. Growing up is so hard.

its been a long while.

I'm not dead. I promise.

Since you last heard from me I've:

dated several different people,

been very disappointed with most of them,
ate a lot of yummy food,
made a lot of yummy food,
dropped off the face of the earth and reappeared, several times actually.
Stopped writing,
Started writing again,
Brought way too many books,
Played video games instead of reading said books,
rearranged my room,
twice.

Broken and fixed my car.

Started referring to my car as my 'angry wife',

Successfully resisted the urge cut off all my hair,

And given Sealie a bath.

I've done nothing terribly exciting and have no excuses for neglecting this blog that at some point was going very well. I've never been very good at using excuses though, this is not for a lack of ability to create them, but for discomfort I find in lying. I developed this discomfort of using excuses some point between my elementary school homework that was always "getting lost", and my shotty at best middle school attendance. There was this line on this slip you filled out that wanted a reason for your late arrivals, and after filling out the same bullshit line of 'illness' or 'appointment', I just started writing 'none'.
I will provide you with the only reason I have, which is 'none'.

My 7th grade english teacher appreciated this.
However, the administration didn't seem as keen.


I have been revived, like zombie jesus or something. April seem like an appropriate month for this resurrection. I'd like to tell you that this was planned to go along with the Christian holidays, and that this blog is, in fact, the love child of god and virgins, but all of that would be a lie. It is in fact a coincidence.
or is it?


no, really it is.
i'm not even christian.
i'm back because i told myself before I reactivated my facebook, if I ever do, I would write in my blog a bunch first. this, and tumblr, are my only connection to the social-ish, over exposing, must let everyone know everything, aspect of the internet.


Can we meet again, and I will try not to treat you like everyone else in my life go missing for months at a time? no promises though, I have a tendency to ghost.

hi.
i'm montgomery,
and i think you are fantastic.

xoxoxo.