I've spent a ton of money on flowers this last month. Money on flowers and fresh fruit. I have been sunbathing in parks. I have been wearing ray-bans and flirty dresses. Apparently, there is a smile in my eyes. I guess no one told my eyes I was sad, or lonely, or anything. The only message that got to my eyes was spring, was sun, was sparkles.
Life has throw things at me that are beyond my comprehension. Its all out of my control. These are times when all you can do is pray, but I don't believe in God these days. I haven't for a long time. I haven't ever thought I needed to turn to a deity to change my life. I don't rely on stars, I find my strength on the inside. Or, well, in general this is something I have a hold on.
Life is strange. Everything can be turned on its head at any moment and the things you thought you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt- were never true.
I am going to start filling every inch of every wall of every building in every city with my truths.
I'm in this writing group, of queers, of varying ages. We get together every two weeks and I bring at least two things: flowers and food. If I have learned anything, its that I value the beauty in small things and feeding people. It makes me feel all sorts of things. It makes me wonder and need and other things I haven't always been comfortable and cozy with.
Being vulnerable takes practice. Growing from vulnerability takes patients.
If only I could sit with uncomfortably without feeling the need to flee.
Which brings me back to spring.
Spring crawls in my bones and reminds me this soil sometimes produces things. That all gifts are precious, its important to slow down and speed up, and change change change. There are places left un-explored. There are secret spaces inside of me that need air, that need to breathe. I need road beneath my feet.
I'm learning how to stay though. I just wish people in my life would return the favor.
Blah blah blah.
I probably just need to get laid, and start taking my anti-depressants again. Who knows.
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