drugs drugs drugs. the legal prescribed ones.

DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR PILLS.

(not without a plan at least)

I've always struggled with this whole medication thing. For those of you who are not aware, I'm a boat of crazy things. Okay, not really, but I do have a few little quirky things going on in my head and my body chemistry. I have depression, ADD, generalized anxiety, and post-traumatic-stress-disorder. At least, thats what the doctors said last time I checked. "Mental Illnesses", or what I like to think of as dangerous gifts, run in my family. Hardcore.

We're a bunch of crazies.

I say crazy with pride, mind you. My mother always told me that some people are just "wired differently". That sometimes there is a disconnect between brain and body, between our senses and our minds. That these are medical conditions and its no one's fault.

I was raised by a kick-ass strong single mother, who somehow managed to keep us feed, and clothed, in school, and not dead. Well, more like, not killing each other, which was a very real possibility.

My sister had a tick in her ability to process things. She got anxious and saw things. The only way she could express her emotions was very very extreme. This made my childhood very chaotic and interesting. I don't remember most of it, which is probably a good thing. In fact, I hardly remember any of it, which is frustrating and sad, but maybe for the best. My sister is better now, with drugs, therapy, healing. I think she still harbors a lot of guilt for what happened when we were younger. I'd like to believe its water under the bridge, but its hard to know if I've forgiven her when I have forgotten all but flashes.

I digress.

What I'm trying to say, is I've been raised with the message that mental illness is not weakness. That if there is a medication that works to make it better, helps you function, keeps you from feeling like death constantly, its probably a good idea you go ahead and take it. Needing pills doesn't make you less resilient, its a result of having a chemical imbalance, and knowing your limits in a society that doesn't give room for alternative medicine.

I believe in this very honestly, and very strongly.

Every so often, though, I forget. I'm feeling better and I stop refilling my prescriptions. I think that I can survive and live life without it. That there is power in depression, in feeling all of it. I forget that my medication isn't stopping me from feeling sad, its just giving me more opportunities to experience every thing else, to not be so consumed with the dark that comes from nowhere and thoughts I can't chase out. I forget. I'm human and I forget.

Then six weeks of being free of anti-depressants, and I am slumped over on the kitchen floor. I am crying about nothing, and boiling with rage about crying over nothing. I am awake at night, rocking. I am looking in the mirror and scratching at my face. I am trying not to hate my body, I am trying not to hate everybody. I am so fucking not okay and can't tell anyone about it. Well, no, I could talk to lots of people about it, but I don't. I don't because I feel guilty. Because I feel worthless and dumb and illogical. Because it doesn't make any sense that I am going fucking bat-shit crazy, when I have this awesome life and people that I love.

No, it does make sense.

So after about a week of me freaking out and not being able to function, I go back on my drugs.

It's this really sick cycle and its hurting my body. It's a struggle. It's valid. It happens. I'm on my medication now, stable, and giddy. I hope I can stay on it this time, or if I go off, make a plan about it and re-structure my life to adjust and provide adequate alternatives. I'll probably just get drunk and flush my pills down the toilet because I don't want to be dependent on an artificial substance for happiness- or what every bullshit conflicting message I've somehow gotten from the media and masses. Eh, it happens.

SHIT FUCKING HAPPENS.

There is always chocolate soy milk.

(except in Karlovy Vary, they don't believe in chocolate soy milk.)

(( or candies that have peanut butter and chocolate together))

(( i know, it is blasphemous. ))